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I have not been feeling well at all, especially the last few days, so I failed to get this posted on time - Saturday, August 22nd.
I can not begin to believe that it has been 23 years since I gave birth to my first born child, my first daughter. 23 years since I held her in my arms for the first time and fell head over heels in love with her. It seems like just yesterday that her father and I brought her home from the hospital in the little blue and white dress my mom picked out for her. I had secretly wanted a really fancy pink and white lacy one that would reveal to everyone that our precious new bundle was a girl. However, my mom had found one she liked first and proudly gave it to me as the new grandmother-to-be. I hadn't the heart to buy another one in its place. I still have that sweet little dress, so simple yet so beautiful. It swallowed her whole! She was a tiny little thing. Like all my baby girls, she was just over 6 lbs.
Oh, how I sometimes wish she was still a baby and could wear that little dress again. How I often wish I could go back in time with the knowledge and wisdom that is now mine but was so lacking when I became her Mama at age 17. She would have had such a better mom than she did.
There has been so much that I have wished very badly I could have changed about the last 23 years. So much water that has passed under the bridge that I can't get back. So many things I would say and do differently. Many things I wouldn't. No, I know I have not been the best mom in the world but I surely have tried to be. I truly wanted to be. Don't most mothers have that desire?
I desperately want her to know that I have always loved her more than life itself, even when it did not seem like it at the time, especially in her mind. There have been choices and decisions and misunderstandings and mistakes and many, many other things that she and I both have made and have done that neither of us have understood. Maybe we never will.
But when all is said and done, all I want is for her to know that I love her. I have always loved her. With everything that I am. I will ALWAYS love her. No matter what. I want her to be a very real part of my life. Always.
I am so very proud of the wonderful young woman and the amazing mother she has become. She has created two incredible little boys who I love so very much, even though I very seldom see them. My prayer is that my renewed relationship with her over the last few months will strengthen over time and that one day the great divide that is between us will become less grand. I can only hope and pray that one day those beautiful boys will really know me and know my tremendous love for them.
So for now, I want to wish her a very happy 23rd birthday and tell her that I love her with all my heart and soul.
Happy Birthday, Whit.